Ever since I can remember, I have beaten myself up about not doing things that I have expected myself to do. Lately it has been a constant anxiety about why I haven’t been writing and uploading youtube videos. I get this sharp pain in my chest where I find it hard to breathe and suddenly I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders to have a successful blog and youtube channel, that when I go to do something about it, this anxiety about not doing, begins to tell me that I can’t do it and I freak out and don’t do it at all. It’s this vicious cycle that is consistently in my mind, it barely ever stops and even as I write right now it is happening.
I hate to believe that I am the only one that it happens too. It has been my best friend and my biggest enemy in everything that I have ever done in my life. I know that because of this battle of “why aren’t you doing this” and “you’re not good enough to do” is the reason I hold myself back to having the satisfaction of actually doing something, being proud of something and ultimately being fulfilled with something that I have created.
The truth is, I am afraid of this battle. I am afraid to silence it, because it is the loudest voice in my mind and I am under the belief that if I beat it, my mind will go silent. (I hope that this is not the case but I am too scared to try and find out). I am afraid to succeed, to finish something properly, to be proud of something. I am not fully sure why that is, but it just is. It is the reason I was a chronic procrastinator in high school, why I would terrify and torment myself in exams and why I have so many half projects that I have started but am too scared to finish because, the idea of being proud and satisfied about something just seems unreal and therefore, it can never be achieved so what is the point? Right?
I have always been like this! Since the day I can remember. Why am I not saving the world, but why should I bother because no matter how hard I try I cannot fully succeed? It is definitely because I am a perfectionist and absolutely terrified about what I might be able to do. I am scared to scare myself out of being scared. It’s crazy but this is so raw and so true. Just do it, is not as simple for me as it sounds. And, I would like to one day be able to work to my full potential and finally quieten this battle in my mind.
I would like to hear you guys thoughts on this and if it ever happens to you, or ways that you manage it. I am also trying to work through it, by slowly doing things. So I am going to be trying to write everyday. I am not thinking about it to much but I am hoping that I will be able to get some good content out.